DAMN! I can be morbid, huh?

Funny.  Well, not.  But whatever.  Such a fucked up world this is.

If there’s an absolute given in my totally screwy life it is this: I DO NOT HOPE.  Hope is such an idiotic thing to do.  It’s a waste of time and energy.  There IS no fucking hope, not for me, not for the world.  Things ARE what they are.  Deal with it of fuck your head up thinking different.  Your choice.

On this day, whatever it is, I continue to breathe.  I’m not sure if that’s good or bad but at the moment it’s ok.  But don’t go thinking that bullshit “where there’s life there’s …you know, the ‘H’ word.”  Fuck that.

But anyway, having discovered someone discovered my previous and exceptionally depressing post on this idiotic blog thing I thought an update might be in order, especially since I am not quite so moribund… is that the right word… …well, not exactly but it sounds good so fuck it.

For the past few years I have had a school loan from decades ago haunting me like a goddamn ghost.  I have no way to pay the fucking thing.  And now I have exhausted my unemployment deferments.  SO, shit, what to do now?  I have made a stepped up effort to “find a job.”  Ha.  What a goddamn joke that is.  In this town/state/country where there’s hundreds of people lining up for any possible job I have a proverbial prayer’s chance in non-existent hell.  Well, there is a hell and it’s called Lufkin but that’s another story.  I look back at so many logical, ethical, honest choices I’ve made and see how every goddamn one of them has fucked me over.  Just consider the past twelve hears, give or take…

1) DHS… I wound up under the supervision of the meanest bitch I have ever encountered.  She was cold blooded, heartless and cruel.  And she insisted on running her little unit like a goddamn dictatorship.  Maybe her Brit heritage (war bride, you know… damn feel sorry for that GI!) has her frustrated she never was queen.  Whatever, but I refused to cowtow to her fucking demands or be intimidated by her bitch attitude.  SO, I did the honest and by the book thing: filed a complaint.  Of course the rest of the unit had white feathers and laid eggs on her desk.  So, I pissed her off and it cost me the job.  I left because I KNEW the bitch was about to frame me for something, and she had access to my casework in a way that she sure as hell could do it.  She’d already embellished a very minor complaint of a client (only complaint in 3 1/2 years!) and then suspended me claiming I was belligerent when I called her on it.  Bitch.  So, you know…

2) CX Transportation… I did what I said I would never do: run more than one log book.  Hell, they were running me so hard I had THREE!  And I was literally falling asleep at the wheel so I quit.

3) Arnold transportation… it was fun while it lasted.  Of course my long haul dispatcher was a shit, NEVER worked to get me home on time.  I transferred to local/regional.  Ha!  Running the same goddamn loads to the same place as half a dozen drivers one gets to see how the other drivers act.  There was a sonofabitch who literally ran people off the road.  I saw it with my own eyes.  Fucker drove that truck like a sports car.  Ran red lights and never drove the speed limit.  So, being the responsible driver, I reported him.  And of course he knew who did it when they gave him a little, “oh, you shouldn’t do that” thing.  He threatened me, then later ran me into dangerous traffic and when I rather pointedly ask him what the fuck he did that for the sonofabitch assaulted me.  Knocked me up against a truck.  Guess what!  Yep, they fired ME!  Go figure.  Goddamn trucking industry.

4) So, I worked for Soil Fertility as a driver for a while.  Badly maintained equipment and quickly going broke.  I quit when my paycheck bounced.

5) Being the dumbass crusader I used to be, I wrote a three page complaint about Soil Fertility and my experience in trucking in general and sent it off to every motherfucker I could think of.  Senator, Congressman, state/fed officials, and one to the American Reform Association.  Sounded big, “Washington lobby group.”  Right.  Turns out, not so big.  Blew a whole summer and a load of cash to develop a magazine for them and they could not raise even a few hundred to pay me for my work much less the ten grand needed for the first issue.  Fuckheads.

6) Moore North America… What pricks.  I worked for Hutch Aviation a month, damn fun job.  I was looking forward to getting my pilot’s license through them but shit, they went broke and closed.  What luck.  So, onward and forward to Moore.  Perfect example of how totally fucked up American corporations are.  Then one day my wife and I did the grand and noble thing, we took in foster kids.  Ah, my boss says, fuck that.  I asked off to take them to the doc.  Just one day!  Hell no, they can’t have that.   They fired me on the spot.  Pricks.  A couple weeks before I was shitcanned by corporate colon cleaners I saw a co-worker bawling her eyes out because her kid was  home very sick and she’d been told if she went to care for the kid she’d be fired.  So much for the so-called family leave act and all that shit.

7) Foster Parent… what a goddamn nightmare that is.  No, not the kids.  They’re hell on one’s constitution sometimes, but they ain’t the problem.  It’s the goddamn system that’s the problem.  Cold hearted bitches claiming ‘best interest’ for children when all they’re doing is manipulating situations and fucking over everybody, especially kids, to make sure their own goddamn record looks good.  So many kids so fucked over by the system.  They create criminals out of infants.  They support pedophiles and child abuse, they sure as hell do nothing to end it.  And when I tried to build an agency that WOULD do something I discovered… no that’s not the right word… I had my darkest suspicions verified, that people do NOT give a shit for poor kids.  Period.  Fucking religious pricks in this town are the worst, too.

Enough of that shit.  I was not intending to go there but hell, I just had to fill out another application knowing I’m so pissing in the wind.

No, there’s no fucking hope.  Stay a goddamn sheeple.  You’re better off.  Keep your head up your ass and believe all the bullshit, cover your eyes, avoid the goddamn truth, live and die a fantasy.  I sure as Hell wish I could!  But fuck, no, I have to see reality.

So, whatever, I’m ok.  Sure.  I have a new mission.  I am working towards a pseudo-career as a singer.  Ha.  Is that funny or what?  I’m really not bad.  And I have a buddy who thinks I’m great.  And he’s a musician, too.  SO, fuck it, I have nothing else to do, I shall write and produce a couple dozen songs that will somewhat piss off most everybody.  I’m taking METAL attitude to the max, baby.  Although my music isn’t exactly Metal.  I’m sort of a mix between Godsmack, Blue October and Willie Nelson.  Ain’t that the shits, right?

I ain’t never been worth a damn.  When I was a kid I was told, “what matters is that you TRY!”  What bullshit.  No, baby, it’s winning, not trying.  Try and fail is worse than not trying at all.  LOVE, makes the world go ’round, right?  Not.  Buddha, and probably Jesus, were pretty good guys who had great ideas that almost nobody on this whole fucking planet ever paid any real attention to.  If Buddha was still around I’d go get myself a robe and follow him around.  Hell, if I had the money I might even go to Asia and disappear into a monastery.  But I’m in this fucking world right here, stuck, and so I stay pissed off and bitter.  You goddamn right I’m bitter.

I started out this post intending to soften up my previous one.  Hasn’t worked, has it?  Funny that.

Truth is, I still do give a shit, about all of it, but I know without a doubt it’s all headed down the fucking tubes.  In a few years I’ll be dead and it won’t matter a fucking bit, right?  There’s only a coule things I can do.  One is speak the truth via song as pointedly and insultingly as possible so some motherfucker some day will actually QUESTION the words.  Not holding my breath on that one.

The other thing I can do is love my family with a passion.  And I do.  I struggle to reduce conflict in our home to near absolute zero.  It’s been tough but we’re getting there.  I love my wife and kids with more passion than any other person in the world.  They KNOW they are loved at least by one person.  That is a very good thing.  I am proud of my son and daughter.  They’re great kids.

I don’t know about futures.  Hell, they’ll probably drop right into the flow of sheeplehood and do fine.  My wife and I will grow old and fade away.  boo hoo and all that.

I have wasted too much time on this shit.

Toodles.