are boring. But besides that, I don’t have a lot of time but I figured I should update this thing.
Know all that save the world stuff, all that activist stuff, all that Rock Texas stuff and stuff like that stuff? Well, fuck that. I give up. And if you don’t like people who give up tough shit. I figure it is just stupid to keep banging into walls all the time. I could list all the walls I’ve hit over the years but you’d just be bored and not believe me anyway. It all comes down to money and attitude. I was a good guy with pats on the back as long as I could offer rock bands something. Once they figured out they would have to actually do something themselves they blew it off. So, with the exception of a few good bands, fuck’m.
I shall express my unadulterated contempt for two bands who I trusted, who were the inspiration of Rock Texas, and who ultimately blew me off. May they live in fucked up anonymity as they so truly deserve. They were good bands but lousy people… a curse of the music profession I’m told. I would not cross the street to piss on them if they were on fire. Oh, the bands names… Downfall Rising and Inura. Got that? So, yeah, I’m pissed. But fuck’m. No need to let jackasses ruin your day, right?
Summer is over. Kids are back in school. Damn it’s quiet around here. I’d really like to escape some now but no fuckin’ way I’ll get to do that any time soon.
My plants died. All those cute little plants in the other post, they grew up and then died. I think it is our horrible water. Central Water sucks. I have some test strips ordered so I can see how fucked up the water is and try to figure out how to fix it so maybe something will live in my garden past plant puberty. I want some tomatoes! Damn!
Today was the first day of school, you know. My family is off having their lives and I’m stuck here without one. I redid my shop. Needed to do that for a long time. By the end of the week I’ll be all ready for a winter I sure hope gets here soon. Well, I’ll probably have to wait to get the stove pipe but I’ll have the wood stove up in there. It’ll be my daily escape.
I’m not much on the computer these days. (See, I’m not here now! haha!) Actually I spend most of my days outside. I don’t mind the heat. Getting to like it, almost. Almost! Sitting on this damn computer sure is boring. What’s there to do? Virtual schmirtual, it’s boring. I want a real person friend to keep me company. How the hell do I find that? People have their misconceptions, preconceptions, judgements, attitudes, all that. Is there not one wild and crazy bohemian minded person anywhere within short driving distance of this horrid town?
I suppose not.
So, it’s, you know, darkness and gnashing of teeth time.
I need a smoke. And a big, strong drink. The smoke I got. The drink I’m shit out of luck for. I think I’ll run something over the scales in a few days and get some dough so I can get myself a nice big, huge bottle of alcoholic entertainment.
If you have a bottle bring it over, we’ll have some jolly good fun, maybe.
OK, so I have to go get the kids from school. And fix dinner of some kind. I so do not like being a homemaker.
There are people who faithfully write on their blog day after day even though like this one the words are rarely viewed by other souls. Bless them for their perseverance. At times I loose enthusiasm for the daily keyboard calamity of this blog and sometimes even life itself. But I always recover.
August. What is it? The end of summer? The last hurah? It’s just one more event, a record of passing time, thirty-one days when everything in the universe passes away and is renewed. And having let it go by without writing anything on this blog I’m trying to hard so I’ll quit.
There are no excuses anyway. I don’t believe in excuses. There may be reasons but there are never excuses. If we make the right choices soon enough everything works well. Sometimes the choices are blind choices and we should not be faulted for making the wrong decision at those times but still the option of choice renders excuses invalid.
So there is no excuse for my not being as diligent as those who write every day. I just didn’t. That is it. I was tired of thinking. I am still tired of thinking but thinking is what I do whether I like it or not. Now that I have endured the month of August, moved one more step towards oblivion, raised the number of years on this planet to 52 and counting, I shall return to writing for a time.
I have been busy. I’ve worked around the house, done all my housework, watched over the kids, and built a few things. I installed a new washer/dryer combo… a stack set with a front load washer, very nice and going to cost us. I also moved my writing desk to my enclosed back porch. Just yesterday I made screens for the windows so I can let the fresh air in this fall. Before the cold gets here I’ll have a wood heater of some kind beside me. The brick hearth has been down since last fall.
September is going to be another busy month. I have all kinds of projects on my agenda. We’re remodeling the kids’ bathroom, I have a patio out back to create from blocks, I’m fixing up a garden area out front, and we have a good deal of cleanup that needs tending to. This is besides my daily chores that every good housekeeper has to do: washing clothes, floors, fixing dinner, etc.. So if I’m not here everyday you’ll just have to deal with it.
Now I’m off to get my kids lunch. Starting tomorrow they’ll be in school. The birds will chirp, the sky will be blue, life will move on but Daddy will be sad because the constant companionship of my little people will not be available any longer.
Time to go, now. I have work to do. Don’t stay gone too long because sooner or later I’ll be back!
Clinical Depression –noun Psychiatry. a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.
Depression, in psychiatry, a symptom of mood disorder characterized by intense feelings of loss, sadness, hopelessness, failure, and rejection.
They do, you know.
When I get tired I get all screwy. And I’m tired.
I was trying to dry out a get well card from my mom’s sister, Aunt Sybil. And damned if I didn’t bawl.
Aunt Sybil calls wishing she could talk to mom but she can’t. So she cries on the phone. I haven’t talked to her but my wife and brother-in-law has. Mom hasn’t.
This has been the month of Mom’s illness. She’s spent the month back and forth, mostly forth, in the hospital. Her idiot doctor was doing her very badly, not treating her for her blocked intestine but simply cleaning out what was clogged from both ends and then sending her home only for her to start throwing up and be back again. It has been hell for mom. I feel selfish just mentioning how much time we’ve been spending driving her here, waiting in intake or the ER or her rooms. She’s had several on several floors.
Finally, with a change of doc came some action. Last Thursday evening she went into surgery. Or was it Friday? Days run together. Nobody really believed she’d live through it. She did. They took her to ICU where she was until a couple days ago.
Most of the time she was in ICU she was only half here, mostly not, babbling and incoherent. Now, in this room where I sit with her, she rarely shows up. Her mind goes all kinds of places.
She has re-lived all kinds of things from what she’s been babbling. Night before last she was back dealing with the Texas City Disaster. She lost a brother in that. And she’s called dad. He’s been gone ten years. (Damn, ten years?)
I have kids. I’ve spent my time with them and since keeping them sitting around here has gotten to be a burden for them I haven’t come up here like I should have or would have liked to.
Two nights ago, after my wife and I went to bed, our phone rang. It was a nurse who verified I was mom’s son and handed mom the phone. She went on about bleeding and being in bad shape and all kinds of things weird. I drove up to the hospital. It was 11 PM.
Mom was still holding the phone, trying to get my brother. I put the phone down and told her I’d called him. It calmed her some.
The doctors call her problem disorientation. That doesn’t quite describe it. She’s constantly halucinating, rarely aware of where she is, usually babbling nonsense and occasionally yanking on IV’s, her NG tube and the covers, trying to get up. When she’s trying to get up she usually gets nasty. She curses and has called me a few choice names like Jackass and worse. Last night she whacked at me a few times, too.
Drugs, they say. Morphine. And maybe lack of sleep. And a little infection, maybe. Maybe hospital dementia? I think they’re full of shit. Just because they manage to get her to remember her name or the month (not the day) they think she’s not so far afield. They haven’t sat here hour upon hour listening to her babble.
I’ve gotten up half a dozen times to calm her, unwind her, settle her down a little while I’ve been writing this. If she isn’t watched she’ll pull something or wind up in a twist.
After I got here night before last I just stayed all night. I told her I had to go about three and she whined like a little girl and said, “no…. I want your company.” I stayed. I had to get our car back to my wife and watch the kids yesterday so I went home in the morning. I gave the kids assignments and napped three hours on the couch. My wife called at noon from the room and said she’s still wacked. A little later my brother-in-law called and said the same. I came back as soon as I could and I guess I’m here for the duration.
I’m tired. My cousin called just now.
OK, back again. Not going to get this finished. Sine that line just above my mom has called me bastard a few times and keeps trying to get out of the bed. Now she’s wadding up the sheets and trying to get up.
There was a moment, a few seconds, this morning around sun up when she showed up long enough to smile at me, say say she loves me and pat me on the cheek. I guess that’s why I stay.
Up late this morning. A little unusual for me.
You ever feel like life is just futile?
Wasn’t so bad in our home. We worked outside a little, kids finished their bit of work, played some. Grilled Cheese sandwiches for lunch. Pan-fried chicken, mashed potatoes, black-eyed peas. This day was nice.
This day my mom sits at home in pain and fretting over surgery to remove a cancerous, non-functioning kidney. Surgery is Monday… our 30th anniversary.
This day thousands of people up in the midwest had no homes, towns are washed away, flooding promises to wreck many thousands of people’s lives and destroy food crops.
This day the Environmental News Network carried a story that said over four and a half million people are hungry.
This day people on Cowtippers are trying to figure out the details of Biblical stories, particularly what “dying” meant when God said Adam and Eve shall certainly die. Serious stuff.
So it’s Friday.
The kids’ school is over for the day. They did pretty well. I’m proud of my oldest who is learning SAT words and aced her test today.
My brother is in from Hooks, staying with my Mom. They’re spending their time over there sharing with each other about their pains. Wanted to go fishing with my bro’ but he bowed out. Very disappointing.
…Over the Edge…
You ever see one of those cartoons where the character is being chased or is chasing and runs right out past the edge of a cliff, looks back, then down, then goes “oops!” and zooms down, whoosh! That is my life. Continue reading