I am so sorry!
I really am. I should have STUPID IDIOT tattooed on my forehead. I really cannot believe how totally stupid I was for so long. How in hell could I be so blind, so deluded, so stupid?
This little ramble is inspired by the totally over the top news coverage of the Great Republican Idiot God Rush Limbaugh. I hear what the idiot says and see how Republicans cow-tow to the fool and remember terrible, terrible things. What are those things? I remember being a big fan of the big fat idiot. I remember cheering the first gulf war. I remember calling myself a proud conservative and worst of all I remember standing on a stage in Nacogdoches behind one of the biggest idiots of the right wing, Pat Buchanan. I kid you not, I was there, secret service pen on my pocket, close enough to push him off the stage. I am so sorry.
Human beings, I have learned, do not ever believe Truth. They believe what they want to believe. They choose their own truth. Either they succomb to some kind of brainwashing or they just choose the path of least resistance and follow it. When their own ideals have been determined they decide who are the good guys and who are the bad guys. They listen to their chosen good guys and bad-mouth the bad guys. It doesn’t really matter the real motivations of those good or bad guys nor the sanity of their politics nor who they really are. They are villains or saints based upon a predetermined set of ideals.
When I was young I bought into the God and country ideal. And I bought into the socialist/communist hatred that was such a part of the sixties. I ran with those. I chose good guys and bad guys based upon how they viewed what I viewed. Whether or not they were logical or truthful or honest mattered very little. I dismissed foibles of the good guys, “they’re just human.” I raved against the bad guys, nit-picking every little thing. I judged everybody and everything according to my own point of view. I’m so sorry!
The only problem I had that most people don’t is that I was born with a brain. Nah, not an Einstein kind of brain but merely the ability to see through bullshit. Or maybe just to see bullshit for what it is.
A banana tree isn’t really a tree. My mom had one when I was a kid. We went to huge lengths to try and save it one winter. We actually built a huge structure around it, I remember it being ten or fifteen feet high, this 2×4 shelter, covered in plastic. The tree froze anyway. I heard on the tube somewhere the other day how that if you peel the layers from a banana tree you never get to the tree, you just get to nothing. I know this for sure.
Religion and politics are exactly like a banana tree. It doesn’t matter what side you find yourself, if you peel towards the middle it thins out until there’s nothing there. My Christian religion started dying like that banana tree. Layer after layer peeled away. Eventually the whole thing crumbled and there was nothing, no God, no truth, no logic, no anything. Poof. Suddenly all the religious zealotry of my past looked as stupid to me as it did to everyone else. I’m sorry.
Since my politics were based upon my religious convictions my political views, too, evaporated into thin air. Less than that, they vanished into minuscule molecules in the vacuum of space. All the mean-spirited things I thought and said about liberals I completely regret. I am sorry!
The problem now is that I have wasted fifty years, blown them entirely, on the most foolish of things. I wasn’t charging at windmills, I was building them. And now I’m an old, crippled, crumbled up guy who has laid such a path of destruction and burned so many bridges that I cannot undo the evil I have done. I’m sorry.
I use the word “evil” only as a reference for all the years I was stupid and doing stupid things, not that I did “wrong” things. In fact, I did many things I would still do again. I stood up for truth and ethical conduct and ideals. Those actions I do not regret even as I know they have cost me more than anything else. No, the evil I did was done when I was being stupid, going along, playing the fool. I wasn’t playing, I was BEING the fool. Now I see how foolish I was. I am sorry.
My mind, unlike most other human minds, apparently, evolves. It sucks. I don’t like it. I envy people who are so set and solid. Even if they’re wrong they can’t SEE how wrong they are and they live and die in blissful ignorance. We are ALL headed over the cliff. The bridge is out. I am the unfortunate one who can see it coming. I’m being proverbial, I really don’t know what the hell is next for the human race. In the movie the Sixth Sense the little boy says, “I see dead people.” Well, I don’t see dead people but I see SOMETHING more than everybody else. And seeing that something shoves me on past where I am. I cannot be comfortable or still.
My will, however, is shrinking. I don’t want to go any farther. I don’t want to “tie a knot and hang on.” All I want to do is evaporate. But I can’t. So I’m stuck just saying “I am sorry” all the time. In a weird kind of way I’ve always felt life was a joke and I am the punch line. There’s nothing I can look to anywhere in the past that does not support this. From the time I was a kid until now I’ve been the butt of jokes and the object of ridicule. I’ve played my part so damn well, too. The joke is growing old, though. I’m not in the mood to laugh any more.
I don’t even know why I wrote this now. It probably doesn’t even make any sense. I’ve taken up Nobody’s time again.
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