The Battle of Depression
Clinical Depression –noun Psychiatry. a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.
Depression, in psychiatry, a symptom of mood disorder characterized by intense feelings of loss, sadness, hopelessness, failure, and rejection.
One might come to the conlusion that my war with depression has something to do with my “lost faith” or is related to the religious rancor I’ve exhibited on this blog lately. One might but one would be very wrong. I “lost” my faith and Christianity a long time ago. If there’s any bright spot in my world it is my religious outlook. Discovering the wonder of Buddha has been the highlight of my life. I am saddened that it took so long but this is not the reason I struggle either.
So let’s examine the symptoms and see what we can come up with…
Feelings of loss – Yeah, I have lost 51 years. I feel as if I’ve lost my entire life to my being stupid. No doubt. I’ve lost friends and homes and jobs because of my hard-nosed ethical standards. I can’t say I would do things much differently. Maybe a little. Maybe I could have used more tact. But I know me, I know I can not NOT do what I believe is right. Still, it’s all about yesterday. I should not dwell on yesterday. I do and that’s not good.
Hopelessness – In some things, yes, I feel quite hopeless. Rightly so. But I’m probably not as hopeless a case as I feel like. Getting a job is the greatest hopeless cause, considering all factors. But if I wasn’t so lethargic I might go out and pound the bushes until I found something. So I suppose the hopeless part is finding a job that I could do, be comfortable at, make a decent living, and be physically capable of doing. THAT would be a challenge.
Also, life itself seems hopeless. Isn’t it? Everything seems so futile. These might be residual feelings from having lost mom such a short time ago but what can I say? Every human is here less than a century with few exceptions. We enter as a baby with nothing and when we depart we leave nothing but junk. Some might have value. Most won’t. I know when I go there’ll be boxes of junk my family will go through and just wonder what the hell it all is. I’m a notorious junk collector. It meant something to me but with me gone it means nothing. Like the little things we found my mom had. Why did she have this? What was that for? Why in the world did she keep that?
Failure – Boy that one is high on the list. If ever any word defines my life this one is it. Look at the definitions:
1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success
2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected
3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency
4. deterioration or decay, esp. of vigor, strength, etc.
5. a person or thing that proves unsuccessful: He is a failure in his career.
What applies? All of the above. I don’t have time to elaborate here. Trust me, there’s a nice, long list.
Rejection – I’ve had that quite a bit, too. My family loves me in spite of myself. At least, my immediate family does. I suspect my siblings and extended family probably does not quite hold the same kind of acceptance since they are Christians. Because I’ve been outspoken against religious bigotry and right-wing stupidity in the local paper I have been rejected and condemned roundly by who knows how many. So yeah, there’s rejection issues!
There are, then, “obvous environmental causes.” The question, though, is thus: what is the solution? Answer? Beats me.
One thing the definition didn’t include was a feeling of being overwhelmed. I am that! Out my back door there are a dozen projects I should be working on. We need to start the garden, I need to finish the outside work on the back room, the inside also has a little work due. I have a yard full of old lumber and junk from my mom’s house. Everything out there screams at me. In here I need to clean the house. And I really should knuckle down and write something to get paid for. And the kids’ schooling has to be done. and in a couple hours I’ll have to fix dinner.
I hurt. Old age, old injuries and lard ass is getting to me. If I get up to work I’ll hurt more. If I don’t move I still won’t feel good.
Where I live there’s not a soul I’ve been able to find to talk to. I’d like to share what I have discovered in Buddhism, the wonderful things I’ve learned, but nobody including my spouse is interested. I have neither the money nor the ability to go where I might find people to talk to.
I’m just all fucked up. Don’t feel like I’m looking for sympathy. You can give it and I’ll take it, I’m not proud! (ha!) But I’m just thinking out loud. I’ve been blogging all day and thought I’d top it off with this little talk to Nobody.
So, Nobody, I think I’ll quit now and watch some TV. All that other stuff will have to wait.
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