The Texas Bohemian

Word artist. Jack of all Trades.

Whoever Finds this… Concluding Remarks

“Whoever finds this… ”

Hello, Nobody.  Nice of you to drop by.  My constant companion, my best friend, the one I tell my secrets to.  Good ol’ Nobody, the best friend a nobody ever had.

Ever hear the Mac Davis song “Whoever Finds This”?  It’s a great old song.  Here’s the Chorus:

Whoever finds this, I love you!
Whoever finds this, I need you!
I ain’t even got no one to talk to!
So, Whoever finds this, I love you!

I put that line as a heading on a friendship site once.  Sweet, huh?

How about these:

I see trees of green…….. red roses too
I see em bloom….. for me and for you
And I think to myself…. what a wonderful world.

Sach’mo’s song has always been a favorite, too.  Too damn bad I don’t belong in that world he sings about.  I don’t belong and I never have.

Of course I’ve known that for a long time.  Still, I try to live in it and even dare to hope once in a while until it reaches up and bites me in the ass.

Like a good little net junkie I went to Google and typed in these words:

“Where do you go when you don’t want to live anymore?”

The best i got was “what do you do…”

Some brilliant soul answered thus:

i have never been there, but ive had friends who have and ive given them all the same advice…i would reach out to others and start giving… stop focusing on yourself and your unhappiness and you wont feel so alone anymore. when you give love and service, the world blesses you a thousandfold.

What a crock.  Oh, sure, I know there are people who hit walls because they can’t have what they want.  That’s why so many people struggle to get what they want and run over anyone and everyone to do that.  Since I was a kid I have not wanted to get but to give.  I have stood up for the little guy, insisted on justice, stuck my neck out and blown who knows how many thousands of dollars on efforts to do something for other people.  I never did it for “blessings” either.

For most of my life I wanted to “serve God,” whatever that meant.  I wasted so much of my life on those efforts.  Who is God?  God is who?  Nobody knows who God is or even if there is one.  (And don’t you try none of your Christianizing on me either, I’ve been there, probably more, longer and deeper than you!)  If God is what Christians say it is then it is the cruelest in the world.  I choose not to believe there is a big, cruel God.  Of course, if I’m wrong we’re all screwed anyway but then it doesn’t matter, does it?

Back to the subject.  Everything I’ve ever done I’ve done because I cared for others.  I could have on countless occasions lived for myself, taken my stuff, saved my money.  I never did.  I never took the safe way.  And I never accomplished a damn thing.  Not ever.

So, I ramble.  So what?  The only reader is Nobody anyway.

I always dare to hope.  Dammit I wish I could get over hope.  I’ve quit everything else.  I have no belief, no faith, no religion.  I’m a Buddhist because I believe his teaching is Truth but I do not even follow his teaching on faith.  Faith?  What does that mean?  Like the movie Polar Express says: “Just Believe!”  What hooey.  Believe what?  May as well believe in Santa Clause.  He’s more likely to answer a prayer than God is.

The only thing I’ve had left to depend on is my family.  After trying to “do for others” until I buried myself in a pile of poop the only people I had left to do good to were my family.  I have failed there, too.  There’s nothing left now.  Nothing.

Is there “life out there?”  I don’t know.  Maybe.  Probably.  Who is right about that Undiscovered Country?  I am convinced Christians are not.  I kind’a hope Buddha isn’t either.  I think Buddha might be closer than Christians, though.  Whatever is next I’m just ready to find out.

OK, so I sound suicidal but I’m not.  I’m too curious about life to do myself in.  Murder is wrong, too.  I DO want to live.  I just don’t know how.  I don’t know where I am from or where I belong, that’s all.  I’m like the amnesiac who woke up and wound up living someone else’s life.  He knew he didn’t belong but could not remember why.  Again, like a movie, “The Majestic.”  Except I woke up in the roll of a screwup rather than a hero.

My kids define their lives by shows.  So do I.  Besides, I have no original imagination.  I take other ideas and build on them, move them around, shuffle the cards.  I don’t make the cards or choose the game.  Maybe that’s the problem.  I’m too much of a dumbass to really succeed.  I dunno.

I know one thing.  I have the worst memory!  Names, dates, places, I simply cannot remember.  I get so frustrated just trying to remember a half dozen passwords.  I reset stuff all the time because I forget the passwords.  I can’t remember names or places.  I would have made a lousy teacher simply because I would not be able to remember what I was telling my students to remember.  Nothing sticks.  Could be on account of some stupid stuff I’ve done but what can I say?

There are no answers.  There’s no solutions.  God’s not going to come to the rescue, the world is not going to shine down, there’s no “blessings.”  Besides, helping someone just for a personal blessing is totally selfish anyway.  There’s only one thing in this world I’ve ever really wanted.  it’s not fame, money, fancy stuff.  Nope.  Sure, I’ve wanted to be loved and I am loved.  What I’ve always wanted is to belong.  I’ve just wanted to be in a place where I belong.  I have never been there.  This late in the game I suppose I never will.  I just don’t belong.

I have to go now.

___________________________________________________________________

Complete Lyrics:

Whoever Finds This I Love You!

By Mac Davis

Verse 1

On a quiet street in the city a little old man walks along.
Shuffling through the Autumn afternoon.
And the Autumn leaves reminded him another summer’s come and gone.
He had a long, lonely night ahead waitin’ for June.
Then among the leaves near an orphan’s home a piece of paper caught his eye,
And he stooped to pick it up with trembling hands.
And as he read the childish writing, the old man began to cry,
‘Cause the words burned inside him like a flame.

CHORUS

“Whoever finds this, I love you!”
“Whoever finds this, I need you!”
“I ain’t even got no one to talk to!”
“So, Whoever finds this, I love you!”

Verse 2

The old man’s eyes searched the orphan’s home,
And cam to rest upon a child with her nose pressed up against the window pane.
And the old man knew he’d found a friend, at last,
So he waved at her and smiled.
And they both knew they’d spend the winter laughing at the rain.

{Recitation}

And they did spend the summer laughing at the rain, talking through the fence, exchanging little gifts they’d made for each other. The old man would carve toys for the little girl, and she would draw pictures for him of beautiful ladies surrounded by green trees and sunshine, and they laughed alot. But then on the first day of June, the little girl ran to the fence to show the man a picture she had drawn, BUT HE WASN’T THERE! And somehow, the little girl knew he wasn’t coming back. So she went back to her little room, took out a crayola and a piece of paper, and wrote:

“Whoever finds this, I love you!”
“Whoever finds this, I need you!”
“I don’t even have no one to talk to.”
“So, whoever finds this, I love you!”

I see trees of green…….. red roses too
I see em bloom….. for me and for you
And I think to myself…. what a wonderful world.

What a Wonderful World

Louis Armstrong

I see skies of blue….. clouds of white
Bright blessed days….dark sacred nights
And I think to myself …..what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow…..so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces…..of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands…..sayin.. how do you do
Theyre really sayin……i love you.

I hear babies cry…… I watch them grow
Theyll learn much more…..than Ill never know
And I think to myself …..what a wonderful world

(instrumental break)

The colors of a rainbow…..so pretty ..in the sky
Are there on the faces…..of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands…..sayin.. how do you do
Theyre really sayin…*spoken*(I ….love….you).

I hear babies cry…… I watch them grow
*spoken*(you know their gonna learn
A whole lot more than Ill never know)
And I think to myself …..what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself …….what a wonderful world.

February 25, 2009 - Posted by | Blather |

6 Comments »

  1. Someone is reading your words. I don’t have any answers for you as I am in the same boat in so many ways. I don’t think the answers someone can hand you are the ones you’re looking for anyway. peace, Dena (Nighwriterx from Beliefnet)

    Comment by Dena | February 26, 2009

  2. Thanks, I appreciate that you’re listening. There are probably no answers. I mostly need a change of scenery. That’s not likely very soon.

    Comment by texasbohemian | February 26, 2009

  3. You never belong until you stop worrying about belonging and then one day you look around and realize that you belonged the whole time. I know, it doesn’t make much sense, but then it might make sense to some of you or it might make sense later. Anyways, there’s always people listening and there’s always someone who understands. They might not understand it all, but there’s always someone that understands part. From all the other misfits out there, we’ve been there, and there’s more of us than you think!

    Comment by Kim | February 28, 2009

  4. Hi. This post was written on a particularly bad day. I’ve never really “belonged” anywhere I chose to be. I deal with life ok most of the time. I’m sure there must be more folks than I. They’re just very hard to find! I have letters posted in the local paper often. I am always challenging the right wing religious crowd (who make up an incredible majority here). I posted an email and challenged thinkers to write. Other than a letter from the wife of one of the other liberal writers thanking me for defending her husband there was not a single response. Sad.

    Comment by texasbohemian | February 28, 2009

  5. I grew up in California. And honestly the western states have a lot more tolerance than either the mid-west or the eastern parts of the USA. I understand where you’re coming from. I fell in love with a man from the South and we live here now, but going against the tide here isn’t something that you’re supposed to do openly, and even those who believe differently keep their mouths shut.

    Comment by Kim | February 28, 2009

  6. I’ve heard that about CA. I’ve only been through there a couple times in a big truck. Life is the same here as in most parts of the South, “we doant lak folks to be diffurnt.” ha. I often say I may live like a redneck and even sumtimes tawk lak one but I aint wun.

    Comment by texasbohemian | February 28, 2009


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