Living in Hell
Hell isn’t hot. It just hurts. It’s a place where your body suddenly goes nuts and hurts extremely bad and there’s no cure, no explanation, no reason and no medical help. It’s a place where the pain is crippling and the not knowing is equally as bad. This is where I live.
Last night around dinner time my back and shoulder started getting bad. When it starts there’s usually something that sets it off, a drink of wine, spicy food, walking, …something. This time it just decided to make my night miserable. Had the same horror night before last but I had some wine then. Last week the stupid pain was not so bad and I was able to have a little wine and a beer without any problem.
For a while it seemed as if I’d found a sort’of relief. Apparently I was wrong.
I’ve lived with this condition for well over a year. It crops up unexpectedly. The VA, my only medical option, has proven less than useless. I have no insurance. I’ve not been able to find work in this town for years and now I don’t know what I could do. If I took a job and this affliction hit I’d be unable to do it.
Though most of the time I do OK, knowing the damn problem is there and having it crop up like last night makes life a total misery. I never know what I can do. I can’t do lots of things I need to do or want to do. I stay depressed and pessimistic and frustrated.
No answers. The medical profession doesn’t give a damn. Without money I am screwed. This thing is probably going to bring my life to a quick end and I’ll probably die without ever knowing why.
No need to go to hell. I live in it. Whatever comes next won’t be hell. I’ll leave hell when I leave this horrid physical biological body.
Were it not for my children I would just run off and hide in the woods or something. They give me reason.
My 8 yr old boy said he’d pray for me. I sure hope God hears his prayers better than mine.
PS: for grins click here to my symptoms just in case some benevolent medical person can give me an idea of what the hell this hell is.
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