How to feel?
I don’t know how often I’ll come here to blog but since I’m here today I’ll talk a little. Not a whole lot of time, though.
My mom is in the hospital. Again. This time, blocked intestine. Two days ago I sat in a dr’s office with her as he told her she had cancer spots in her lungs and lymph nodes. She is facing a difficult time and probably not too many months of life–if that long.
The doctor was a real jerk. He faced a cabinet with his back to my mom when he gave her the bad news. Typical. The medical profession as a whole is filled with idiots, selfish jerks, and gold-diggers.
This morning my mom was incoherent on the phone. I spoke to my brother-in-law while he was in her room this morning and he told me she looked bad. In a few minutes I’m on my way up there to check on her. My oldest sister is on her way from her Arkansas home and my brother will be here after he recovers from lithotripsy. He has a kidney stone he said was the size of a quarter. Ouch. My younger sister (wife of that brother-in-law I spoke with) is AWOL… what world does she live in?
Yesterday I was in Houston at the VA Hospital. I had a treadmill test. Almost made it through but my shoulder got the best of me. Doc ordered a sonogram of my heart. The tech said it looked ok. I don’t think my problem is heart related but it still has me all freaked out inside.
These days are weird. “Interesting times” in the Chinese curse kind of way.
My oldest wants to go back to grade school where she’ll waste away for four years and be pushed out with a diploma even though she won’t be able to spell. She just wants a friend. Boy, do I sympathize.
My two little ones have each other. They’re pretty fortunate.
This weekend, maybe, I’ll get to the garden. HGTV has gotten me thinking about re-doing our house. If I had my druthers I’d leave it and these woods behind, move to a city and never look back. I’m not going to get my druthers. So, it’s time I made the best of this world.
My mom will be needing me more in the months to come. It’s sad. My little kids will be pretty broken up, too. They don’t know loss yet. My oldest lost a birth-grand-parent in her old life that she was close to so she’s been there. I lost dad. Still not over that.
And who knows, with my screwy health I might follow along sooner than I’d like, too. It’s the ultimate fear of poor folks, isn’t it? Can’t afford to see a doctor and find out if these pains are transient, permanent, or deadly. Not knowing, that is the awful thing.
Well, I’ll stop being selfish. My wife and kids love me. I love them. And when I say “love” I mean the true, deep, devoted kind that is very rare, both from them and for them. We are a true family. This is life. Everything else is gravy. So I’ll stop fussing.
Time for more coffee, anyway.
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