Today is Monday, July 7, 2008. Big woop.
Kids are back at school work. At the moment the little ones are working on cursive while the oldest is catching up on SAT words. I plan to get back to half-day school every day for the rest of the summer.
I’ve been reading news and a few interesting sidelines and trying to ignore the knot in my stomach. My innards feel awful, my head hurts a little, my tinitis is quite loud. I haven’t felt very well for over a week.
I’m beginning to understand why “old people” are so easily manipulated and abused. At fifty I’m experiencing emotional and physical changes that I would have never expected. At the top of the list is fear and I hate having fear.
In the past when I had fear I faced it quickly, stared it in the face, stared it down and went on. But this gnawing thing I’ve latched on to is not something I can stare down. It’s a constant collection of ailments that come and go and revolve around this darn shoulder whatever. It’s an impending sense of doom. It’s the NOT KNOWING that has me tied in knots. If I knew, I could face this stuff. But I don’t KNOW what the heck is wrong with my body. I have for decades self-diagnosed illnesses. I’ve had to since rare has been the time I had dependable medical care. But this stuff is beyond my abilities. I feel like crap and I don’t know why.
I finally managed to switch from the PA to a real MD at the VA and I have an appointment on Thursday. Maybe he can help. Of course I have almost no confidence in the VA. They do little that isn’t considered absolutely necessary. I ran across a childhood friend at the VA a couple months ago, standing in line at the pharmacy. He was getting a bottle of Nitro. He had ran out before his prescription arrived to his home by mail. He told the pharmacist he was popping them like candy, that his ticker kept acting up, and the VA said only when the nitro stopped working would they do more. Like they’ll have the time, huh? No, the guy will wind up in the local hospital getting lousy care –if he makes it at all. He’d have to go to Houston to get help for his heart at the VA. So I don’t have too much hope. But I do have some.
I’m not afraid of being dead. When my time comes I’ll be curious. I just don’t want my time to come any time soon! My kids need me. I want to see them grow up. And I feel like I have accomplished nothing at all in this world. I am nobody, I have done nothing, no human has had their lives improved by anything I have done. I don’t want any recognition for doing anything but I would like to contribute something before I go.
I’m just paranoid. I know that. I know I’m being stupid. But knowing that doesn’t help at all. It does not untie the knots in my stomach or reduce the buzz in my head. It doesn’t take the lead out of my arms and legs. It doesn’t provide one little bit of the energy I can’t seem to find.
In a while, probably, this funk will abate a little. It never goes away completely. It’ll be back.
If you want to know one of the biggest reasons I’m becoming more Buddhist rather than more “Christian” is that Christian platitudes and absurd ideas offer no help. The best Christianity can do is offer prayer and say, “this world is not my home…..” Gee, thanks. But this world IS my home at the moment. Buddhism teaches how to detach, how to let go, how to live and deal with everything that comes from one day to the next; live in the present. This is my desire, to live in the present.
If I look back I have regrets and depression. If I look forward I grow sad at the thought that I might not see my kids grow up (probably paranoia, but it’s how I feel) and that even if I live to be a thousand I would never understand much about humanity or learn much about this universe.
Today, though, is a good day. My kids love me, my wife loves me, the sun is shining, there are many good things about today. Perhaps if I could shut off my “yesterday” and “tomorrow” brain and focus on today my unimportant pains would not be so bothersome and might even go away. Perhaps.
I’ll work on it.
It’s time to go over some work with the kids. I’ll stop grumbling for now.
1 Comment »