The Texas Bohemian

Word artist. Jack of all Trades.

Marriage and Sex

Ted takes on controversy once again.


Ted says: Sex is a selfish act no matter who does it or where, including within marriage!

— In, “davidwhetstone64″ <davidwhetstone64@…> wrote:
> I know 3 couples where one partner is fine with no sex and the other one
> is climbing the walls in frustration. In all three instances it’s the
> man who doesn’t want to have sex. I think according to 1 Cor. 7, if you
> have’nt both agreed to fast and pray, if one partner wants it, then the
> couple oughta get down to bussiness. Know what I’m sayin?
> ………….><)))”> David

OK, doggonit, here I go again.

After considering all sides of the sex/marriage issue for a long time  I have concluded…

ok, people, pick up your rocks…

sex a selfish act.

Again, I’ve stayed out of this frackus deliberately.  But hey, I just couldn’t resist after this post.  I’m going to make most of you freak out and some of you angry.  I’m good at that.  But this is how I see it.  By the way, this is an ADULT posting.  I hope there are no kids reading.
Years ago I was a participant on personal’s sites.  I was looking for friends since I was so isolated.  All I ever found was “frustrated spouses” and guys trolling for a quick sexual fix.  Nobody wanted a relationship, they wanted SEX!  The internet has become THE place to find sexual gratification.  Even main-stream news sources bombard browsers with adds for “Sexy Personals” or sex drugs.
The more I searched for someone who was NOT looking for a romp the more frustrated I became.  Sexuality has overwhelmed our society.  Our kids and most adults think it is “normal” for children to have a “sex life.”  Even the discussion on the Sacred Cowtipper group about the rightness or wrongness of “living together” proves that moral standards regarding sex have come close to hitting rock bottom.
Years ago when I was last active in church I participated in a men’s share group.  All those “good Christian men” were obsessed with sexuality.  One had an admitted problem with porn.  I, too, years ago dabbled as most men probably have since porn is so easy to find on the net.  I am ashamed of who I was, what I viewed and how I thought at the time.  And I have grown ashamed of our whole country, so obsessed with “getting a poke” as it’s so kindly put in an old movie that nothing else matters at all.

David’s post is a perfect example.  In countless marriages one partner doesn’t want sex (and many times for reasons other than porn) while the other is virtually obsessed with it.  Obsession is bad no matter what it is.  When one spouse “wants it” and the other, for whatever reason doesn’t, the instant reactions are blame and resentment.  These two emotions are selfish.  “Why don’t you give ME what *I* WANT!”  So much for giving and loving at all costs.
There may be a spouse refusing sex for their own selfish reasons.  OR, it could be because of hang-ups they’ve had since childhood from child sexual abuse or horrific fundamentalist teaching or for health reasons or because sex to them is painful.  No matter what their reason, the other spouse shows the opposite of love when they get angry, resentful, mean, or abandon the relationship because they are not getting what they WANT.
A loving spouse would discuss the problem or the need.  If the offending partner will not reason or discuss the problem the only option according to Jesus’ teaching (and Paul’s in I Corinthians 13, etc.) is to FORGIVE.  Where there is forgiveness there is never any resentment or blame.  Never.  For some reasons spouses will forgive and be considerate over every other issue from drug addiction to debilitating illness but they have no patience at all when their partner won’t perform sexually.  Why?
So, again, I say sexuality is selfishness.  It is our human biology demanding satisfaction not our spirit wanting to give to another person.  A married couple might say, “But in our intimacy we’re giving to each other.”  Maybe.  But (and I shall be direct) arousing a partner means arousing oneself.  Either way the goal is arousal and fulfillment for oneself.  Partners who don’t get fulfillment feel “cheated.”  (This is the quantity over quality problem most men are accused of having.)
No, sex isn’t “dirty” or “disgusting,” it is simply a biological act that our country has become obsessed with.  Sexuality is part of marriage.  If it’s a mutual thing and partners are happy, that’s good.  But when one or the other has a problem and the other person places blame, gets angry, and or like in so many cases these days simply goes off to find another partner either by divorce or by sneaking around there’s a big, big problem.  That problem is NOT the failure of a spouse to perform but the selfishness of the other partner who abandons the commitment because they’re not “getting any.”

Of course there are couples with hang-ups and there are always going to be miss-matched couples, couples where one or the other has for who-knows-what reasons have changed, and couples where one is cruel or another is selfish.  This is human nature.  There is a degradation of marriage all across the board in America because people think they should GET things from marriage rather than GIVE.  But sexual issues are at the top of the “I want a divorce because….” list far more than any other reason.  When this is the case the sentence should be written correctly, “I want a divorce because my spouse will not bow to my wishes and make ME HAPPY no matter if he/she wants to or not!”

The one idea that sexuality is a contact sport is ripping our society apart.  This is such a pet peeve of mine.  I get so sick of “Bob’s Big… confidence” and country music Viagra commercials.  What a nice world it would be if my family could watch TV and I not have to explain to my children what “KY Jelly” is used for!  …I could rant but I won’t.

What I can say is that sexual obsession is the reason my children were born in hell.  Their mother was raped as a kid so she became an addict for sex, drugs, and alcohol.  We kept their cousins years ago, too, and the eight-year-old knew how to be sexually manipulative.  (I reported this but CPS ignored it.)  One can blame pornography but pornography has become fashionable.  America’s teen idols can pose nude at fifteen in a national magazine (while her idiot dad thinks it was fine) and nobody sees the problem.  Sexual crimes are increasing every day.  It’s not the porn industry to blame, it’s today’s sexual standards –or non-standards– which shove sexuality in our faces day in and day out.

Sexual obsession has led to many, many problems within marriages.  Spouses from a younger generation think they’ve “missed out” because moral standards were different and they got “stuck” with someone.  Younger people “try out the bed” first, and when there’s no fulfillment just swap partners, no big deal.  It IS a big deal.  In the eyes of our Creator (as indicated in all faiths) marriage is a sacred union designed as a place where children should be raised and nurtured and our species perpetuated.  Marriage is one of those uniquely human things that in most of the animal world has no match.  Some animals mate for life but as a rule it’s a dog’s world–whoever is handy and / or the best candidate, “Happy Feet” idealism notwithstanding.  Marriage is not and NEVER HAS BEEN just a “legal” way to have sex.

The church–as in the group of those who follow Jesus in spirit and truth–is considered the “bride” of Christ.  This is the model for marriage.  Marriage is a spiritual union, a holy union, a coming together of a man and a woman in a selfless bond so they can raise children and perpetuate our species as they teach the younger generation about the love of God.  Who wants to argue with this?  Sexuality is the biological side of marriage.  It should take a back-seat to selflessness, serving God, giving, working for God.  It should never be an obsession.  It should never be allowed to interfere with our giving to others and never be the cause of anger or resentment and absolutely never be the reason we spit in God’s eye by trampling the union of marriage so we can “get what we want.”

Obviously this is a different viewpoint than most people hold, even most Christians.  Marriage is holy.  Sex is NOT holy.  It might be something couples can enjoy–within reason–but it should not be the focus of any relationship and absolutely never should it be what it has become in American society.  And please keep your sexual exploits out of my face!

I never realized how deeply Americans are mired in sexuality and how totally destructive this is until I studied the teachings of Gautama, the Buddha.  The Eight Fold Path is every clear, sexuality is just as damaging as hatred and murder.  It leads to suffering just as quickly–perhaps more quickly because it’s not considered “sin” or evil in itself, only in certain circumstances depending on moral standards of a particular society.

The Eight Fold Path does not say “Sex only in marriage.”  It says don’t do it at all!  How shocking to hear that in today’s screw-a-day world!  But as I thought about what Buddhism teaches (and some writings are more strict than others) I got a better perspective.  Anything that causes us to obsess on “self” will, sooner or later, cause us to suffer.  Nothing forces us to focus on personal pleasure, “self,” more than sex.  Nothing.  Unless we can come to the place in heart and soul where we’re ready to give EVERYTHING up we’ll never understand true selflessness, we’ll never reach enlightenment, we’ll never fulfill our purpose as God’s children.

When I was a youth and through the years I sang and even led the Congregation to sing, “Give it all, give it all, give it all to Jesus!”  Apparently this is a limited offer for most.  “I’ll give most and I certainly will give money I don’t need but no way will I give up my orgasm!”  What a sad, sad day this is.
Unless and until America can return to a moral standard where sexuality stays where it belongs, in the marriage bedroom and out of the entertainment industry America will keep sliding down the KY-greased slope into societal collapse.  Until sexuality takes a back seat to selflessness and serving God in EVERY situation and relationship we as a race will never fulfill the purpose our Creator has for us on this earth.  Even though everything seems to focus on biology and the physical world we as humans are NOT here for the physical world.
We are here for a spiritual purpose, a purpose that transcends all of human biology.  Anything rooted in the physical world can and often does hinder or even destroy our spiritual purpose.  Sexuality is at the top of the list.  If it gets in the way of selflessness and serving our Creator, just don’t do it!

June 22, 2008 - Posted by | Religion | , , , , , , ,

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